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  “Get in,” she said, slapping her hand against the pink glossy metal of the car door with a cigarette between two of her neatly manicured fingers.

  Chapter 17

  “You sure know how to get yourself into trouble,” Brittany said, taking a deep drag from her cigarette as she began driving again.

  “You can say that again,” I replied.

  “I can’t always rescue you,” she said, flashing a large grin. She looked to be in a very good mood. I guess her hangover was long gone.

  “You won’t have to anymore. I’ve learned my lesson.”

  “Good. Austin is a real jerk. He doesn’t understand people like you and me. Honestly, I think he’s stuck up. He barely even drinks,” she said, shaking her head and inhaling more of the toxic smoke from her cigarette.

  I almost wanted to side with Austin, but I didn’t say anything to Brittany. Instead, I asked her for a cigarette. Why not?

  “Help yourself,” she said, carelessly tossing a pack into my lap.

  “Lighter?”

  “Hold up. I got one,” she said, flicking open the center console and digging around inside.

  I looked down to see an empty bottle of vodka inside. She didn’t seem to care that she was driving with it there. She pushed it aside and retrieved the lighter, handing it to me.

  I lit my cigarette and frowned as the harsh smoke hit my lungs. “Um, Brittany. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but why is there an empty vodka bottle in your console?” I asked, remembering what Austin had said about her driving drunk.

  “Oh, yeah, it’s empty. I had to go to the liquor store down the road to get some more,” she said, pointing to the backseat.

  I turned around and looked back to see two more bottles of vodka rolling around on the tan leather seats. “You’ve been drinking?” I asked, beginning to think I had made a poor decision by getting into the car with her.

  “Not a lot,” she said, but I could see now that wasn’t true.

  I could walk the rest of the way home. I wasn’t going to put myself through this. Had she been drinking the last time she picked me up to? Probably. She didn’t even know me, and she had picked me up anyway. It made sense now.

  “I think I might just walk the rest of the way,” I said, nervously puffing on the cigarette she had given me.

  “What? Seriously?” she asked, looking back and forth between me and the road.

  “Yes, could you stop the car?” I asked, disliking the way that she refused to focus on the road ahead of her.

  Brittany laughed. “Austin put you up to this, didn’t he? God, what a dickhead he is. You know what? I really don’t think we’re going to be friends if you keep hanging out with him.”

  “Please stop the car,” I said, trying to steer the conversation back to letting me walk the rest of the way.

  “How about no? How do you like that?” she asked, a clear edge of irritation to her voice. She kept looking away at the road to glare at me.

  “How about yes,” I argued. “Stop the damn car, Brittany. This isn’t funny.”

  “I never said it was funny, Jane. First of all, you can’t just assume things about me because of what Austin says. He doesn’t know shit.”

  “Stop the car!” I yelled, growing impatient at her stalling. I didn’t see why she didn’t just let me out. It wasn’t difficult.

  “No!”

  “You’re definitely drunk,” I said. “I can smell it.”

  “Give me a break,” Brittany replied. “I was looking after you, and now this is how you treat me? Like I’m some stupid drunk like your mom was?”

  She really did know everything, but I had enough of her nonsense. I needed to get out of this car and quickly.

  I slammed my fist down on the dashboard. “I swear to god, Brittany, if you don’t stop the car right now, I’m calling the cops.”

  She laughed a crazy laugh. It was the kind you don’t want to hear when you’re barreling down a dark road with a drunk woman behind the wheel. She had totally lost it, and I could hear it in her voice that she wasn’t going to let me go that easily. She was pissed off and out of her damn mind.

  Calm down. Just calm down. She’s going to stop, or you’ll call the police. Show her your phone.

  I took my phone out of my pocket and held it up, waving it back and forth in front of her. “I’m calling the police.”

  “Don’t you dare, stupid bitch,” she snapped, removing not one, but two hands from the steering wheel in an attempt to grab the phone from me.

  I yelped as her elbow knocked the steering wheel, and the car swerved, throwing her further onto me. The phone flew out of my hand as the car left the pavement, turning so violently that it flipped.

  We went flying through the air.

  We all have to die someday.

  Why not tonight?

  I became starkly aware that we weren’t dead the second the car made impact with the ground again. Things felt slow and strange like I had been teleported to another dimension where time doesn’t move quite as quickly.

  The car slid along the smooth road, the top of it scraping against the ground. We were upside down, hanging in place by our seatbelts. We could do nothing but hold on for the ride as the car spun out into the grass on the side of the road, finally coming to a stop.

  We were alive.

  I unbuckled my seatbelt and fell down onto the roof of the car. I groaned as my shoulder hit the bent metal. I grabbed my phone and crawled toward Brittany, who had a look of regret on her drunken face.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I helped unbuckled her from the seat.

  “I’m so fucked,” she said, right before she fell onto the roof with me.

  “Yes, you are. You tried to kill me,” I said, looking toward the shattered side window. It was my way out.

  “They’re going to take away my license. My parents are going to kill me,” Brittany said, placing her head in her hands.

  I rolled my eyes. She didn’t seem to care about me at all. I had thought that she would make a good friend, but now I could see that wasn’t the case. Her side of the story was quickly fading in legitimacy. Austin was right about her, and part of me hated that.

  I pulled myself out of the broken window into the cool night air, gulping in deep breaths as I tasted freedom. I was alive, and at this point, that was all I could ask for. I was lucky that the car hadn’t slammed into a tree and twisted me into a broken mess of flesh and blood.

  I charged out into the night, ignoring Brittany as she climbed out of the car window after me.

  “Hey, where are you going?” she called as I raced away from the scene of the accident.

  “Home!”

  Chapter 18

  Home is where the heart is, right?

  I didn’t know if I felt that way, but I knew that home was safe. Home was the place where I didn’t have to struggle anymore. I could wake up, go to work, and know that my aunt would be waiting at home for me with dinner when I got done.

  At home, I didn’t have to worry about people. I already knew my Aunt Martha. She was predictable. She was safe. I didn’t have to meet new people or be afraid when I walked into my own bedroom. I didn’t have to keep up an image that I didn’t even know if I liked. I didn’t have to try. There was an allure to that.

  Home was the place I never thought I’d find myself longing for again, but as I walked down the lonely road, leaving Brittany behind to tend to her totaled pink Cadillac, home was where I wanted to be. East Bridge was a nightmare, and I wanted to wake up.

  I had a lot to think about on the way back to campus. I turned over all the new information that I had learned over the past few days in my head. There was so much that I hadn’t known about my past. My heart ached for my parents and what they had been through. I felt horrible for Austin and his family, for what my parents had done to them.

  I had already told Austin that I was sorry, but that hadn’t been good enough for him. Switching perspectives, it probably wou
ldn’t have been good enough for me either. Words can’t bring people back from the dead.

  Devlin. I should have been proud to have that name. At one point, I had been proud. I respected myself and I never let anyone bring shame to my family. Now, I felt like just existing was a struggle. How could I do my family name justice when all I had done at East Bridge was cause pain?

  As much as I wanted to pursue an education, I was beginning to think that I wasn’t meant to go down that road. Look what it had done to my parents. Straight A’s mean nothing when you’re faced with the real world. They don’t keep you from doing stupid things.

  The real world had hit me hard when I came into it. I thought that I could handle its cruelty, but I couldn’t. I was weak, and I knew it. While people like Austin could navigate it with ease and fluidity, I saw what it had done to people like Brittany. It ruined her, and I didn’t want it to ruin me.

  I heard sirens in the distance as I walked down the lonely street. I guess Brittany had finally called the police to help her. She was alright, but her car wasn’t going to be salvageable. I doubted that she would even be back at school tonight. They would be taking her to jail until she sobered up.

  She would have a struggle ahead of her. I didn’t wish that on her, but she had brought it on herself. Even after she had put me in danger, I felt bad for her. I was like that. I had more empathy than I knew what to do with half the time. It was one of the reasons why I had been stuck with my aunt for so long. I couldn’t hate people, even if they mistreated me.

  That brought my thoughts back to Austin. His cruelty stemmed from a place of pain. It was as deep-rooted as mine was for my own parents, so I understood where he was coming from. Suffering often brings resentment, and while I didn’t agree with the way he chose to express it, I didn’t deny that it was genuine.

  I wished things could have turned out better between us. Maybe the sex was clouding my judgment, but he didn’t seem like that bad of a guy. Maybe he was damaged, cocky, and a bit spoiled, but I had never felt closer to any other man. Did that make me crazy?

  I laughed in the darkness. It was cold, but I didn’t feel it. I was still rolling off adrenaline, and even though my jacket wasn’t especially bulky or warm, it was enough for the way home. I walked briskly through the night, feeling both high and low at the same time.

  It didn’t take me long to get back to campus. Brittany had brought me closer than I had thought. I rubbed my shoulder where the seatbelt had held me in place, noting a new soreness that had begun to develop there. It was minor compared to what could have happened tonight.

  I walked across the grass in the courtyard before reaching the dorm buildings. I felt the soft blades of grass tickling my ankles as I walked through it, ignoring the designated brick sidewalks. I didn’t care anymore about presentation. I made a straight line toward my dorm so that I could get back and start packing. I would be leaving in the morning.

  The moon brightened my path, giving me enough light to find my way to the first building in the lot. I scanned my keycard and stepped into the heated interior. It felt strange to be walking back in for the last time. I had only just gotten here, but I felt a connection to this place. It was a shame that I had to go.

  It wasn’t just the struggle of East Bridge that drove me away from this place. I had neglected my aunt, and I felt bad about it. Guilt had caught up with me once the thrill of rebellion had worn off. It was time to get real, and that was the harsh reality of being an adult.

  I took the golden elevator up to my room, staring down at my feet as it rolled up to the second floor. The gentle ding of the bell signaled that I had arrived, and I stepped out into the hallway. The soft buzz of the automatic lights came on as I entered the hallway and walked to my room, passing Austin’s room on the way.

  I stopped at his door for a moment, running my fingers over the golden room number that was on his door. I was going to miss him. I wished that we could have met under different circumstances. Maybe then things would have worked out.

  I let out a sigh and stepped to my room, unlocking the door and stepping inside. Nobody was waiting for me. There was no naked man in my shower, and nobody in my bed to keep me warm tonight. I was alone.

  I was beginning to grow tired, but I wanted to pack before morning, so I made it a point to gather all my stuff as quickly as I could so as not to waste time. The journey back would be long and grueling, so I wanted to get adequate sleep beforehand.

  While I was picking up my belongings from the floor, I glanced at the knotted sheets that I had used to escape out of the window. Austin had driven me to such extreme measures, but it all seemed so silly and juvenile now. I could have just walked out inside of jumping out of the window. I wasn’t scared of him anymore.

  I took the tied up sheets and began to untie them, loosening up the tight knots until the fabrics disconnected. I tossed the sheets back on my bed, covering the imprint of Austin and I that was still present on the bottom sheet. The memory was already too painful.

  My eyelids grew heavy as I stuffed the rest of my belongings into my suitcase. I had to lay on it to get it to zip closed, and by that point, I was too exhausted to get up. I fell asleep on top of the suitcase, curled up like I didn’t have a bed to sleep in.

  I let the world fade away as I drifted off to sleep.

  The nice thing about sleep is that you don’t have to face life and its consequences when you’re asleep. Sleep, for me, was an escape, much in the same way that drugs were an escape for others. Brittany escaped into the bottle while I escaped into my dreams.

  When you’re dreaming, the monsters and demons that you encounter disappear with the rise of the sun in the morning. They never hurt you. When you die in a dream, you just wake up. It’s harmless. I would spend my whole life dreaming if it meant that I could stay safe, but things didn’t work like that. The only real escape from life is death, and I wasn’t entirely convinced I wouldn’t be reborn into another life and be forced to do it all again.

  In truth, there was no way to escape reality without ruining my life in the process. The best thing that I could do was to rise up to the challenges that I faced, and at least give it my best damn try. If I still failed, then oh well. At least I had given it my all.

  Chapter 19

  Three knocks woke me up. They were solid, urgent, and loud. I rubbed the crust from my eyes as I lifted my aching body from the suitcase that I had slept on.

  Another knock on the door told me that whoever it was didn’t want to leave. They wanted me to answer the door.

  I groaned, stretching my stiff neck and back. Now that I had slept all the adrenaline off, my body was aching in all kinds of new ways from the crash last night. It was awful. I would need a good rest before I got on any busses. Maybe I would leave tomorrow instead.

  I walked to the door, looking at my messy hair in the mirror as I passed it. I tried to flatten it down when I got to the door, but I couldn’t avoid looking like I had just woken up, because I had just woken up.

  I turned the bolt in the door and opened it, unsure of what to expect.

  “Good morning, sweetheart,” Austin said, standing in front of my door with a single yellow flower in his hand.

  “What’s this about?” I asked as he thrust it out toward me.

  “It’s an apology. Do you mind if I come in?” he asked, tilting his head to the side innocently. His gray eyes seemed to be telling me that there was nothing to be concerned about now.

  I nodded sleepily and took the flower from him. “Come on in,” I said, opening the door wider so that he could walk in.

  I was met with a gust of cologne and the fresh scent of a man on a mission. Austin looked fabulous, as always. He was dressed in his iconic blue suit, with his hair parted so neatly that there wasn’t a single strand out of place. His face was cleanly shaven, and his jawline looked like it could slice butter. The man always looked his best.

  “You’re packing up?” he asked, looking around at my empty ro
om and the suitcase that I had spent the night on.

  “Yep,” I said, gently closing the door.

  Austin turned to me, a look of distress on his face. “You’re joking, right?”

  I shook my head. “No, you wanted me to leave. I think you made that very clear last night when you ditched me again.”

  Austin sighed. “Jane, I came to say I was sorry about all that. I got angry. It’s not really fair to you what I did.”

  “You can say that again,” I said, twirling the flower that he had given me between two fingers.

  “You don’t have to leave. I was doing a lot of thinking last night, and you’re not very much like anyone I’ve met here. I think you’re different.”

  I laughed. “Not in a good way.”

  “Don’t say that,” he said, raising his voice. “You’ve opened my eyes to how ridiculous I’ve been. Brittany, hell, she deserves what she got, and maybe your parents did too, but you’re not like them.”

  “Don’t talk about my parents like that,” I snapped. “If you accept me, then you’ll have to accept them as well. I don’t care what they did. I still love them.”

  Austin nodded solemnly, placing a hand over his heart. “I apologize. The past is the past. My father has already moved past it, but I guess I got stuck on it. It just wasn’t fair.”

  He was clearly a man with a sense of justice, which I liked, but he had to be more forgiving. I wouldn’t let him talk down about my parents if he wanted to stay on good terms with me. That wasn’t going to fly.

  “I’m sorry about the pain in your life, Austin, but I still have to leave,” I said.

  “Why?” he asked. “I already said I was sorry.”

  I could see the hurt in his eyes. He thought this was his fault. It wasn’t. “My aunt lost her job, and I have to go home and support her. We’re poor, Austin. I have to help what little family I have left.”

  He looked confused, his eyebrows doing a wave across his forehead.

  I didn’t like to see him so distressed. It was breaking my heart that I had to leave him just when things were improving between us.